Does anyone else feel like when they write out their feelings like this, it’s so inadequate that they just wish they hadn’t? The urge in me to delete is very strong, but I’m trying not to be such a sissy for once.
An inadequate attempt to broadcast a few of my fears, so they might stop eating me up quite so much.
How’s this for fucked up? I don’t believe in shame, but I feel ashamed.
I feel like I’ve let down family, and let down myself. I should have been paying more attention, keeping it together. I was blind. And if it’s not because of me, then I should have known better to [...]
A month ago the prospect of me being possessive, defensive, and closed was out of character. My philosophy is clear: people stay with each other because they choose to, not because they have to. To cling to the way things “should be” is just asking for pain.
So what the hell happened? Why [...]
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
It’s rare to find words that really resonate like these. Especially “blown apart”. Just thinking about those words brings laughter and tears all at the same time, because it just feels so accurate.
There’s this later [...]
So I talked about “going crazy” as if it was this great thing that I was working on. When I was a teenager, I was thinking I could always go crazy if things got too bad (as an alternative to suicide and continuing to put up with the pain). Right now, the thought [...]
It spins and reels and turns upside down. The earth comes out from underneath. There’s nothing quite like it. From the outside, looking in on the one being spun, it always looks so much simpler; that’s because to the observer, the world is pretty much staying put, just the spinner is spinning. [...]
The active approach
diving in and out
trying to get ahead
sometimes it works
sometimes it fails
sometimes it fails badly
The passive approach
staying the course
accepting the status quo
symbiotic
active ones maintain
balance
passive ones maintain
sanity
indistinguishable
when the shit
hits the fan