phauna.org

so easy to forget what a little exercise can do for the mind. especially when it’s all screwed up.

Dear world,
I am fucked.
Every time I think I’m okay, I wake up at 2am and realize what has happened to my world. This is NOT OK.
Fuck.

Thanks xkcd!
I would go so far as to say it’s not just useless, but actually harmful.

realizing that everything I thought I was is wrong
realizing that I’ve been hurting the person most important in my life
feeling grief built up over many years all come out at once
being afraid of myself

Closing off would stop the pain. I could just tighten up, try hard, and tell myself it’s not meant to be and keep my feelings to myself. Heck, maybe I’d get over it.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone. And I truly believe there’s something special there, that [...]

What is happening? Why is it happening? What am I doing? What should I do?
I feel so alone. Dreadfully alone.
Is there a bottom to the grief?
A picture, it’s kinda how I feel right now (after the crying):

think
get confused and tense
if unlucky, act on #2, and do or say something stupid
cry
love
if lucky, act on #5
goto #1

Thanks again Eunice. I’m trying to see the stars coming out. Maybe you are one of them, and Mom, and wjl. And the deep feelings of love that I’m discovering I’ve always had but never known. Even if she won’t accept it, it’s still there.

..madly in love, and totally confused. When was the last time you felt like an adolescent all over again? We look back on our adolescence and say “it was hard, but now I’m wiser for it.” Ha ha, if life has in store for you the magic sauce that it does for [...]