phauna.org

realizing that everything I thought I was is wrong
realizing that I’ve been hurting the person most important in my life
feeling grief built up over many years all come out at once
being afraid of myself

Closing off would stop the pain. I could just tighten up, try hard, and tell myself it’s not meant to be and keep my feelings to myself. Heck, maybe I’d get over it.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone. And I truly believe there’s something special there, that [...]

What is happening? Why is it happening? What am I doing? What should I do?
I feel so alone. Dreadfully alone.
Is there a bottom to the grief?
A picture, it’s kinda how I feel right now (after the crying):

think
get confused and tense
if unlucky, act on #2, and do or say something stupid
cry
love
if lucky, act on #5
goto #1

Thanks again Eunice. I’m trying to see the stars coming out. Maybe you are one of them, and Mom, and wjl. And the deep feelings of love that I’m discovering I’ve always had but never known. Even if she won’t accept it, it’s still there.

..madly in love, and totally confused. When was the last time you felt like an adolescent all over again? We look back on our adolescence and say “it was hard, but now I’m wiser for it.” Ha ha, if life has in store for you the magic sauce that it does for [...]

If this were your last day on earth, how would you go about relating to people, what would you tell your family, what risks would you take?

This is a quote from my current hero Eunice Chen on facebook (hope it’s okay that I link here Eunice!). It’s powerful stuff.
Especially for me. I’m [...]

First, for xwjl. Thanks for a good old late night talking/hacking session that could not have been more timely. Let’s do it more often! There is much work to be done on the masterpiece:

And next, for Mom. Thank you for being aware, in touch, and supportive as you always have been. [...]

When I was a teenager, I had a party at my house. We had been drinking, then everyone went to bed. Feeling serene (and not a little drunk), I decided it was a good idea to go out on the roof and watch the sunrise. It was around dawn, so there was [...]

Does anyone else feel like when they write out their feelings like this, it’s so inadequate that they just wish they hadn’t? The urge in me to delete is very strong, but I’m trying not to be such a sissy for once.