phauna.org

confused. unable to make decisions. think i can make a decision, but then when that decision leads to the next decision, i’m frozen again. stuck, frozen. don’t know what i want. can see many possibilities, but don’t know which road to take. limbo.

the world won’t wait for me to make up my mind. if i don’t make it up, i’m choosing something. forks go by and i choose a route whether i do it consciously it or not. i am aware of the forks passing, but i can’t figure out how to evaluate one route versus the other. i just don’t fucking know, and don’t have time to figure it out. coin flip?

I’ve had this backpack since high school. It’s had zipper problems for over a year, and now it’s worn a hole through the bottom. I guess this probably seems trivial to most people — throw it out and get a new one. But that’s not something that I do very often with my personal stuff. (I’m all into wabi-sabi).

Into the garbage with ye!

that’s right, 36 pounds of it! my tummy hurts just thinking about it (or is that from the gigantic bowl I just finished eating..?)

5000 bucks will buy you 7-8 minutes of zero gravity via parabolic flight. Neat.

are you ready to go crazy? what does that mean? how about letting go of your inhibitions and letting the nonsense that’s inside flow on out? you’re just a transient quantum energy bubble anyway, so why take yourself so seriously? your existence is because of a whole bunch of random events. logic and reason make no sense.

you’re just a crazy fuck that can neither love or be loved; too selfish, not to mention crazy. can you write crazy and not be crazy? apart is together. war is peace. freedom is slavery.

how about Cincinnati? predictable? less lonely for sure. lonely. maybe that’s all there is to togetherness, and it doesn’t really matter who what or when, just love the one you’re with, Stephen Stills. why wait? today you are alive, right now you feel how you do, and there’s no telling how you’ll feel tomorrow.

oh wait. cause & effect. it sure seems to exist. sometimes it can even be harnessed into happiness. but is it just an illusion? swim around in random bullshit goo of “how i feel right now” or submit to a greater external framework of cause & effect? cause & effect: hurt (cause) implies various defensive measures (effect), such as fight or flight. can random goo and cause & effect both and neither exist? just somewhere in between? isn’t that just saying that random goo wins? Shinji-kun!

and so, punk, sometimes it seems like freedom exists, and you’d better step up to the fucking plate and take some responsibility. don’t be a dick. look in from the outside once in a fucking while. if you decide cause & effect doesn’t exist, that’s fine but you’d better be ready for the effects of that decision. or maybe not, cheater.

I’m no liberal, and yet. It is imperative that you see this:

I had an unusual experience this morning. I was walking to work in the usual way, somewhere near Broad and Wall streets in downtown Manhattan. All the usual things were happening; horns honking, people selling newspapers, construction, and lots of commuters like me hurrying off to their desk jobs. And then..

A bird chirped.

My immediate thought was, “whoa, I guess spring is here now!”. This thought was followed by, “no wait, it’s the end of summer. Huh.”

I guess that we don’t get a lot of birds here in downtown Manhattan, because it really caught my attention. The bird (or birds, I never saw it/them) chirped a few more times while I was on my way, as if to rub it in.

Hello, I work in an urban, natureless, city-place.

Also known as roughly the greatest Star Trek TNG episode ever. Everyone’s memory is erased, so they don’t know who they are or their relationship to each other. But they still have their basic character, and you can see how this plays out without the limitations imposed by their preexisting relationships with each other. It’s very well done—I didn’t notice any times when people acted as though they had a memory.

All the elements of a great Star Trek episode are present: Data being super analytical about his situation, analyzing all possible origins of himself completely objectively; Worf being a super badass battle-focused Klingon; and Riker getting it on with two women only to be shot down by both once their memories return.

It really sucked me in and got me thinking like I would if my memory wasn’t there. Feels kinda like it would be liberating, or something. I’m too sleepy to think hard about why I found this profound, so you’ll just have to trust me, it was :P.

man, I’m weird.